I studied

I studied for the two exams. Both dealt with molecules and what everything is made up of. I studied hard. Red - that means I'm serious.

After the first test, I felt really bad. A 10-item FINAL exam with only 2.5 minutes for each number. Each number involved several laboratory procedures and a lot of calculations. Naturally, the 2.5 minutes per item wasn't enough. All were complaining. We didn't expect time dilation to be tested in practice. I studied 12:30 PM - 2:30 AM for an exam that primarily measured how quick you can swing around glasswares and violate the buttons on a calculator. I am not saying it is the exam's fault, what I'm trying to say is that I feel bad because of the effort I put into the exam. The exam turned out impossible to pass. (I wanted a good mark on the exam because I had a chance on getting a really good final grade.)

The second is a written, hour and a half long exam. Really easy. But I got a lot of wrongs because I was careless. I typed and printed out reviewers, I endured long nights, I spent afternoons in front of dead trees (read: how to make paper) and prayed. Still, I get a mediocre score. Why in the amount of time left in my existence must I be careless during that exam? Why?

I am a fail at this subject. It is not with the exam, it is not with how hard the subject is. Something is wrong with me or with my relationship with the subject. Holes perhaps.

I know not studying and totally doing the opposite would do me no good but it is just very tempting. Its like everyone is chilling while you work your ass off trying to be better than yourself and you get the same square-inch piece of chocolate. Even sometimes, the others get extras and you just get your one, tiny piece no matter what you do. You turn out to be a better person but definitely feel bereft of proper reward.

Digging for reasons to keep moving forward is what I am doing. Digging up means going deeper. Slowly, I'm starting to realize that life is one sad movement and that all you can do is distract yourself from the melancholy. Let me do that.

This song is making more and more sense.

On other news, when I stay up late, put my heart into solving Math equations, I get good scores. I can't say I never loved Math. In fact, it is the opposite. I have never really hated Math. I love how it makes complicated mumbo-jumbos simpler and although it did the reverse with my understanding of the world, I couldn't remember hating it truthfully. I don't shine out but I love it.