Too young for career choices.

Stuck in a room alone, I have plenty of hours just to think about life. Mine, in particular. While watching Serendipity and after finishing all of Friends just a few days ago, I realized how much I wanted a day job, behind a desk in New York City. Panic ensues as I remember I am pursuing a premed course.

photo from here

I heard a couple of times already that my college degree doesn't determine my future. That is not comforting at all because everyone knows its better if my years in college is spent stuffing my head with things that will land me on a chair with wheels, in front of a computer and a phone, maybe, in my own cubicle, on a two-digit floor in some company, several blocks from Central Park. The sappiness from Serendipity might have climbed my head!

This is really sad because all my ideas on living such life come from American television. As TV only produces pretty images to the pleasure of the audiences, I am highly skeptical that when I actually step into my dream middle-age life, it will be as fun as I've seen it being lived by others. In fact, this is a problem for all dreams. You will never know how it would actually feel "being there".

Then the dilemma: what am I doing now? I'm in my freshman in college -- pursuing a premed course! Even more, I'm in a room with numb fingers, completing a week-long recovery from a systemic viral infection! My life is a mess. I just want it to make sense RIGHT NOW!

People say I should relax, close my eyes, and imagine tranquilizers calming my brain. They say I must stop thinking so much and enjoy the moment as it slowly drifts along. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This is my life we are talking about.  I was born imprisoned within my own point of view in this universe and I only get one uni-directional chance at observing and feeling it. 

What if I turn out homeless and a failure? What about those years in school? Well, I don't know how it actually feels like to be homeless. Who am I to judge the feeling? 

What am I doing with my life?