I studied

I studied for the two exams. Both dealt with molecules and what everything is made up of. I studied hard. Red - that means I'm serious.

After the first test, I felt really bad. A 10-item FINAL exam with only 2.5 minutes for each number. Each number involved several laboratory procedures and a lot of calculations. Naturally, the 2.5 minutes per item wasn't enough. All were complaining. We didn't expect time dilation to be tested in practice. I studied 12:30 PM - 2:30 AM for an exam that primarily measured how quick you can swing around glasswares and violate the buttons on a calculator. I am not saying it is the exam's fault, what I'm trying to say is that I feel bad because of the effort I put into the exam. The exam turned out impossible to pass. (I wanted a good mark on the exam because I had a chance on getting a really good final grade.)

The second is a written, hour and a half long exam. Really easy. But I got a lot of wrongs because I was careless. I typed and printed out reviewers, I endured long nights, I spent afternoons in front of dead trees (read: how to make paper) and prayed. Still, I get a mediocre score. Why in the amount of time left in my existence must I be careless during that exam? Why?

I am a fail at this subject. It is not with the exam, it is not with how hard the subject is. Something is wrong with me or with my relationship with the subject. Holes perhaps.

I know not studying and totally doing the opposite would do me no good but it is just very tempting. Its like everyone is chilling while you work your ass off trying to be better than yourself and you get the same square-inch piece of chocolate. Even sometimes, the others get extras and you just get your one, tiny piece no matter what you do. You turn out to be a better person but definitely feel bereft of proper reward.

Digging for reasons to keep moving forward is what I am doing. Digging up means going deeper. Slowly, I'm starting to realize that life is one sad movement and that all you can do is distract yourself from the melancholy. Let me do that.

This song is making more and more sense.

On other news, when I stay up late, put my heart into solving Math equations, I get good scores. I can't say I never loved Math. In fact, it is the opposite. I have never really hated Math. I love how it makes complicated mumbo-jumbos simpler and although it did the reverse with my understanding of the world, I couldn't remember hating it truthfully. I don't shine out but I love it.

Suddenly afraid of the ratio between age and maturity

I just rose from a 7-hour routine of studying and doing other stuff. Its our Chemistry Laboratory finals tomorrow and the stakes are high: this subject is almost the only one where I can get a pretty grade from.

I have never developed a study habit or method that raises my confidence in taking an exam. Its just in college where I realized how bad I want to be a public physician and now I'm scrambling for the years of practice I lost into browsing the internet and gathering information so amusing they are of theoretically no use. 

Its almost everyday I have a sudden blow of vague realization which is often followed by a strong calling to assume the fetal position. Hands around folded legs, trying to be as small as possible and the mind emptying of all the worries learned.

I'm just trying to distract myself with earthly endeavors. Life will never be understood.

LOWER YOUR COMPUTER VOLUME FIRST

Because the audio in this video is dangerously loud (I'm serious).

 

Thats not me singing but how I sang the "Song for Mary" is not that far (add some sighs of happiness and croakiness then it would sound like me).

The Ateneo Blue Eagles won over the Tamaraws towards their fourth consecutive win in the collegiate basketball league of the UAAP season 74. The game ended at 82-69 and was topped with white confetti. On other news, I am a bad sports writer.

Congratulations BLUE EAGLES! You made the Ateneo proud.

ATENEO BLUE EAGLES! FOUR-PEAT CHAMPIONS 2011 UAAP SENIORS BASKETBALL. Just sounds so good!

ATENEO SIS BOOM BAH!

“We’re able to look at the film and correct some of the mistakes we made in Game 1. We expect to play better today,” said Ateneo coach Norman Black (from here)

Although I'm not a big fan of basketball, Game 2 of Ateneo and FEU will be later. If the Ateneo wins, champions, four-peat, VICTORY! Rumors have been going around that in the likely chance we will win, a bonfire will occur tomorrow which can ultimately mean no class on Monday!

PLUS, I got to answer this long standing question in my brain, is four-peat a real word? Yes, it is. 

State of the Pandemonium

I've been away from blogging for the past few weeks because I swear, the past few days have been the speediest maturation I've experienced for the past few years. Its so fast, I just resorted to a free, online tarot card reading for guidance (prayers work but on a very spiritual level that sometimes I couldn't comprehend and they can get scary. Tarot card readings are more tangible).

The weather is pretty bad. There were demon winds just a few days back. I don't know why but I felt genuinely down when I saw a photo of one of the huge, clay pots with plants in the Ateneo red brick road broken. My brain attach too much emotions on weird, everyday stuff.

My Macbook is beautiful. Its probably a girl because its always clean and everything looks graceful. I still couldn't come up with a name - which reminds me that giving it a name doesn't sound like a good idea. Its really nice and I really hope we'll be together until med school (here goes the emotions-to-matter again. I still have my old laptop and sometimes we talk about our experiences over tea. It is particularly fond of when I brought it to a science research internship in a marine lab).

The PMSA med mission I talked about was a blast and I have to be honest, I'm a loser volunteer especially when the target areas aren't well-ventilated. I'm seriously unhealthier than most of the patients that after only about half an hour into the vitals work, I got light-headed. Before I became a patient myself, I retreated upon the several pews (church benches) we used. It was there that I realized I need a giant breakfast (because I had none) EVERY TIME I volunteer.

This song makes me sad but I have it on my phone anyway.

School has been cool lately. For everything "extra-curricular" that have been testing my sanity, school has become a good distraction. When I do math problems or English papers on the long-standing Palestine/Israel debates (which can seem a little off the radar), my brain turns into a processor. Input, then output. No more crazy ideas and lessened hilarious inferences. Hallelujiah!.

In the Mac dashboard, there is this widget called "stickies". They're like Post-its. On mine, the following are written: "SHUT UP" - to remind myself that I sometimes talk too much followed by a reminder of how I would spend the incoming semestral break reading books.

My new walk-to-school anthem:

Oh na na

The days have been bland. Maybe except the part that my Macbook finally arrived. It took a long time because I waited for OS X Lion and now I have it. I acknowledge how expensive this beautiful slab of aluminum is so I'm learning to appreciate it with all my heart. 

Oh yeah.

So for the meantime, you should really watch "100". Its an indie film from a few years back featuring Mylene Dizon as a character struck with cancer and left with only one hundred days to live. I will be lying if I tell you that I expected our own cinema to create a wonderful film out of this common but extremely challenging plot line. The movie is a wonder. 

And I suggest you keep rolls of tissue for tears and a gallon of drinking water at arm's reach.

(This is part 1, the other parts are available on YouTube. Better yet, get it on original DVD but I have no idea where you can get one.)

1001, 1002, 1003, 1004...

Circumcision drive when I was in junior high.

Back then, I was never sure of what I wanted to be when I evolved into an adult (which makes taking a premed course a moronic career choice) there was this one thing I was definitely certain of: I feel happy and fulfilled when I gather the vital signs of a person. 

In high school, I participated in several medical missions so I was taught how to get the blood pressure using the manual sphygmomanometers (I typed the word without error, ehem!) which require also the use of stethoscopes. My teacher back then was a doctor so you could ask her anything and she will answer. She talked about the radial pulse for taking the pulse rate, the brachial artery for the Kortokoff sounds. I wanted to ask her everything about the human body. It was amazing how everything worked. So I became a fan of medicine. 

I liked how medicine name parts of the body and how it explains something we were born with but never really needed to comprehend. Listening to the heart and feeling it vibrate the skin above the wrist is another love story. I love hearing the heart beat. I love counting how many times a person breathes in a minute. All of them keep a person alive and they are barely given notice then suddenly they become parameters that could determine something paramount. 

The patients! Those were medical missions so all of the people who went there had less. It was heart-warming how they would offer their wrists for vitals, how they would not complain when the sphygmo upper-arm band becomes too tight and how honest they were to the doctors. It was wonderful how they laid their trust upon health professionals so easily. This is, of course, because these doctors are trained to use information strictly for wellness. Wouldn’t the world be ideal if everyone worked the way doctors do? 

I’m so excited. My org’s having a med mission next Sunday and I’m a vitals volunteer (came from the training).