To those of you who still read this... I'm back

This is a chocolate cake I made following Ruth Reichl's wonderful recipe on NYTimes. 

I've said this countless times in this blog before but here I am saying it again, with knees on the floor, eyes low and a voice as sad as death itself: I'm sorry for not updating this blog. I'm back. I have plenty to tell you. Here is a list that will give you an idea of the drivel that is to come:

1. I'm apparently already in the phase of my life where I work for a living. A few months ago, my trusty yet overall useless LinkedIn account reminded me that I've been doing work for a year now. I've been earning money good enough to live on. From boyhood to full-blown adulthood. I would like to thank my teachers, friends etc. etc. for this milestone. Shit.

2. I travelled a lot this year. I went to El Nido to explore nature but more crucially, myself. It was gross. But that northern tip of Palawan is a gem and I know I've prepared myself but I cried. Holy rock formation and clear waters. Nature is beautiful. I also "lived" in Thailand for close to two months. There is a lot I could say about that so watch out. I also went through Malaysia, visiting Penang TWICE, and Singapore again which I haven't been to since three to four years ago. Also Bali. Yep. That was nice.

3. I've turned vegetarian a few months ago. I was vegan a few years back. It was horrible. It was a time in my life that I didn't have time to run after food I could eat. The result was an under-nourished wad of skin who occasionally passed out in bathrooms. One could say it became an obsession. Now I have time and the energy to eat what I could and want to this is what I'm doing. So yes. Doing what makes me happy and this is important to me.

4. I've been living with my sister here in Jakarta. She can teach me lotsa things about adulthood. There are days when we just can't get along but she is always my role model for discipline, responsibility and just being a sound member of society. I learn from her. A lot. (I have this Medium post about an argument we had.)

5. I have no idea who I am. There are just too many awesome people in this world and I always find myself wanting to be them. With all the running back and forth, I see that I don't have any idea who I am to begin with. Take for example now. I'm reading Jane Eyre and Julia Child. I don't want nothing else but to have the mildness, the joy of Julia seasoned liberally with the bitterness of Jane. Is this normal?

6. Also very, dark heavy stuff, Harry. I've realized a lot about myself this year. My past especially and how it contributes to who I am now. Not discussing it in detail but it's true.

Well, all this said, I'm just happy to be back to this blog. I realized this while dabbing myself with a shower cream of Ayurvedic inspiration. "So you have the ginger, mint and probably a little turmeric in this bottle?" I smell like a pleasant Indian garden. This does things to you.

Also people still read this? Or is Google just coaxing me back with fake stats? Hmmmm.

Flying to Thailand Tomorrow: Pre-trip Jitters

I'm flying to Thailand tomorrow. I'm planning to stay there for three months and now I feel like a corn cob is stuck halfway down my throat. I'm scared. I'm getting sweaty arms and a post-blunt trauma feeling in my tummy.

Here are the reasons why, and as a testament to my instability, followed by ways I convince myself that everything will be ok.

1. I'm not going to be home.

Psh... this is easy. I haven't been home most of my life so the being at home actually feels more temporary than being somewhere else.

2. What if I can't afford it?

I'm planning to earn a little while in Thailand. I have sources of income going on for me that I can manage to do while out and about. Whatever happens, I'll be sure to have enough cash in the bank to buy a ticket for home and run towards the open arms of my parents like a prodigal son. I hope.

I'm an instinctive shopper. I deny impulse with the overwhelming supernatural experience of wanting to buy. So I am not impulsive only very, very instinctive.

Also, I'll be doing a freediving course. Which means efficient time management is a must to keep the monies coming in. This happens to be my weakest link. During my normal at-home work schedule, the AM is spent planning for productivity while the PM is spent crying over inefficiency and how I can never work. But I'm getting better. For sure.

(Unrelated story: Ok you know how Christian schools hammer the prodigal story into the minds of the future again and again. One time, when I was a kid, I dreamt that the prodigal son, after landing gently unto the undying parental love, proceeded to play a highly technical piece on the grand piano conveniently located within the scene. Is the root word of prodigal prodigy?)

3. My dog. 

Imagine you have an old, rusty fork. Use it to stab your real heart. That is how I feel right now. This dog has been so nice to me and some of the other people he meets. This situation just breaks my whole structure of emotions into tiny little pieces, spits on it and sets it on fire. I'm sad, I feel sick about it, I feel irresponsible, I feel a whole of shits.

But I also feel strongly that leaving is the right thing to do. Fortunately, domestic arrangements allow attentive, overly-loving care for the dog. But still, I cry so hard I drown.

4. I'm not going to like it.

I'm actually great at meeting people. I'm pretty sure I will like the whole experience. But liking it for three whole months sounds like an altogether different ballgame. For example, I liked HBOs The Leftovers. That was really good, like there was always tension as it should be given the plot. But after 2 and a half episodes, all I can understand is blagarjarblurblippblopp. I'm bored. 

But I'm pretty stoked about the island I'll be staying on and all the diving I'll be doing. 

I'm going to like it. There is at least 90% chance for that.

5. I'm going to be sent away by Immigration

I've invested a lot of emotions, not to mention resources, for this trip. What if I fall victim to the prejudice immigration officials generously give out at the airport?

I'm scared because the first time I flew abroad, I was meant to be off-loaded or to never leave the country at all. Mind you that I wasn't traveling alone. I was with my guardian. I was standing there helpless, planning to run through the slits in between the cubicles those officers sat in.

My mom, who wasn't going with us, was outside that area, ready to comfort me. I did cry. 

And boom, a few phone calls later, I'm in the plane. Turns out I needed some sort of affidavit from my parents that they were letting me travel alone. Even though my mom was there practically pushing me away to visualize "I AM MOTHER. I AM LETTING OFFSPRING LEAVE" the piece of paper had to be there. 

It was hectic, unpleasant and it made me feel so helpless that I don't even like thinking about it.

But now I have all the documents and I'm twenty-one. 

With me are:

• The roundtrip tickets (canceling the return once I land in Phuket)
• My passport already with some helping of departure and arrival stamps to show that I don't violate things
• Wonderful speeches on my travel plans, the road to self-discovery, possible demise of consumerism and what needs to be done to complete a juju. 

**

I've been reading a lot about pre-solo travel jitters and how to overcome them. Hopefully, when at Phuket, trying to block vestigial respiratory pathways to say Sawadee like a local, I'll be fine. Wish me luck.

Number 200: Bali and Moving to Thailand

Hi!

According to blogger, this is my 200th post. Oddly enough, that makes me feel real old. So...

Again, I'm back to promising I will be more faithful in updating this blog. I love it actually. I don't write it for the peoples. I write for the me. I often find myself clicking Publish even before rereading the whole shebangs so you might find embarrassing misspells or creative sentence structures with a bajillion nouns, pronouns and verbs but you know life is like a giant nut, if you eat too much you'll get very fat.

Here are updates from my life of hesitations (which will soon turn into Yes, yes yes!)

#1 I went to Bali.

This was a highlight of the year (but it was only January, you say). I embarrassed myself in front of the Aussie-heavy crowd by trying to surf. Thank you to the seawater in Kuta for being accommodating to my fat ass. I fell more than I even stood up on the board. I already surfed in Boracay with a friend and you would think I should do better. Nope. Nope. Nope. Practice makes perfect. Practice may also extend the plateau of skill level. Flatline beeeeeeeeeep....

If they tell you to take off your glasses or keep your cameras in bags when walking around monkey forests or temples YOU DO IT! YOU TAKE THE ADVICE, FORM A SHARP STAKE OUT OF IT AND YOU RAM IT INSIDE YOUR EAR TILL IT PENETRATES THE BRAIN!!!

While posing in front of the godly sunset in Uluwatu, a monkey grabbed my glasses from the back. Thank the god of the temple for not allowing the mammal to scar my scalp with his/her teeth. In retaliation for the divine intervention, he/she chewed on my glasses and kept banging it against the stone structure of the temple.

I was horrified. Realizing perhaps that my spectacles were made in the USA and not from Italian S.p.A., he decided to throw it to the ground. It was mildly entertaining I ought to collect fees from the minor crowd that watched the caucus. I'm such entrepreneur.

#2 I went to El Nido...alone

Needs its own post. Sorry.

#3 I was back in Jakarta.

See above

#4 Moving to Koh Tao, Thailand

Since becoming capable of supporting myself, I've wanted to move. Right now, I live in the rural town. I sleep to the breeze with no AC (I hate AC; rhinosinusitis). I wake up to roosters. I occasionally receive gifts in fruit form from people who actually grew them. I like the piercing screaming of roosters in the morning until early afternoon.

I hate the city. Not really hate but I'm not cut out to live in it. I don't know. For now, I'd prefer wet markets over sprawling acres of tiled grocery floors.

Koh Tao is a (very) small island south of Thailand and I've been wanting to move there since I first read about it. I'm not moving there for life (yet). For now, the plans are really until only the visible future. Three months is ideal.

Since this is an all-on-me trip, I'll learn how to budget the hard way which I think is the only way I can learn. Yay. I will have more details on this soon. I'm leaving next week. Yeah people I'm a risk-taker.